Abnormally Abstinent
Dear Dr. Dick,
I think there's something wrong with my sex drive. I like sex and don't have any trouble getting hard, but I just don't get horny when I get high. As soon as my friends shoot up, they pop instant hard-ons. They spend days partying at the bath house or on chat lines. But I don't have any desire to have sex when I'm tweaked. Most of the time I'd rather stay home and do projects or work on my writing. Could it be a psychological problem? What's wrong with me?
Abnormally Abstinent
Dear Abnormally Abstinent,
Thanks for asking one of the most common and perplexing questions for men everywhere: "am I sexually normal?" Every man wants to think he's got it all together in the sex department. But in private, most guys are quite anxious. Issues like arousal, performance, and body image can be big worries. Then when crystal is involved, our ideas about what is "normal" sex get tossed right out the window. Before we look at this issue of sexual desire and speed together, let's talk about male sex drive in general.
First of all, there is no "normal" male sex drive. We as men, and gay men at that, feel a lot of pressure to be "hot, hard, and ready" all the time. Advertising, porn, and magazines tell us we're supposed to be obsessed with sex: Maintaining erections. Giving good head. Fucking all the time. "That's just what gay men do." These expectations are cultural stereotypes. But they're really not true for a lot of gay men. Some guys want a lot of sex. Some guys don't. Neither side is right or wrong. It's really an individual preference.
According to most sexperts (and I'm NOT talking about Dr. Laura), you should judge your sexual interest and activity by what feels healthy or "comfortable" for you. If your sex life feels good to you AND it's not causing harm to yourself, your partner, or your life in general, then whatever you're doing is OK. Lots of sex is fine. But so is a little sex or none at all.
Your need or desire for sex may increase and decrease on a natural cycle. One month you could care less about sex. The next month you may be hornier than a goat! This is normal. And it's true for gay men, straight men, and women as well. Also, there are many outside factors that can affect your sex drive. Illness, medications (especially some HIV meds and antidepressants), stress, emotions, and environment can all dampen your libido. Aging brings about changes as well. Your testosterone levels naturally decrease as you get older.
If you think you might have a physical problem, talk to your doctor. Together you can talk about your symptoms and their causes. You may also want to check your testosterone levels, especially if you have HIV. The tests are simple and can be very helpful.
Now let's talk about speed. Contrary to what many people think, there are no secret chemicals in crystal that make it a "sex drug." Rather, crystal is a powerful stimulant that floods your brain with chemicals. These chemicals may make you focus intently and exaggerate your feelings of pleasure. They may also increase your sense of stamina. This change in brain chemistry may enhance your dancing, artistic creativity, sex, or any other activity you enjoy. But, depending on dose and time, crystal may interfere with these and other desired functions. While crystal can intensify sex, it does not automatically trigger sexual desire.
Most of the sexual desire men experience on speed is learned or "expected" behavior. Here's how it works. At first, you don't know what sex on crystal is like. Then during your next high someone engages you in a sexual situation and you quickly find out! At this point your brain makes a connection between getting high and having sex. This response is "learned behavior." Now your brain expects that when you get high, you want to have sex. This is expectation. A lot of guys have such intense expectation with crystal and sex that the events get reversed. Just thinking about sex makes some men want to get high.
Of course, your brain can make connections between crystal and unpleasant sex as well. For some, crystal sex is empty and isolating. Some men talk about feelings of shame about what they did or who they did while high. They might feel guilty about not using condoms or not disclosing their HIV status. For others, the connection between crystal and sex may not exist. Some men use their high to focus on other activities like writing, drawing, painting, or cleaning their house.
It's your high and you can have sex if you want to. There's nothing wrong with you if you don't have a screaming urge to head to the bath house. But if you do get horny, remember that crystal may also lessen your resolve to fuck safely. So plan for safety before you get high. Have those condoms and lube ready before you enjoy!
Sincerely,
Dr. Dick
Reposted & updated 12/14/2012