Chains and Whips Excite Me: Part 2
Now that you know a bit more about what BDSM is and is NOT, you'll want to get familiar with key terms for a scene:
MASOCHIST: A person who feels pleasure by receiving intense sensation/pain in a scene.
MISTRESS/MASTER: One who enjoys being serviced by another person.
SADIST: A person who feels pleasure by inflicting intense sensation/pain on another person in a scene.
SLAVE: A person who is in service to a Master or Mistress.
SUBMISSIVE: A person who feels satisfaction from being verbally or physically controlled during a scene.
BOTTOM: Basic term for the person having something done to them (masochist, slave, submissive, etc.).
DOMINANT: One who feels pleasure from verbally or physically controlling another in a scene.
NEGOTIATION: A conversation with your partner about a scene. Negotiation should take place before you start any BDSM play.
SWITCH: A person who enjoys any role (top or bottom) as they prefer from scene to scene or within a particular scene.
TOP: Generic term for the person doing something to someone (sadist, dominant, dominatrix, owner, master, mistress, etc.
SAFEWORD: A safeword is a safety signal used by the bottom/sub to stop a scene either temporarily or permanently. Some common safewords are "red" for stop and "yellow" for slowdown. "Stop" or "no," are not good words to use, for example if one is role playing. Some participants like to use a set signal instead, such as dropping a bell or other object. Discuss safewords during negotiation, and before you start any BDSM activity. If you're at a party, decide on a house safeword. That way, anyone in attendance can respond if they hear the word.
WHERE TO START: NEGOTATION
Negotiation should take place before you start any BDSM play. It's a time for you and your partner to sit down together for some thoughtful, respectful discussion. If you try to skip negotiation, your partner might run out faster than you can say "bondage." Negotiation can also take the form of a written questionnaire (you can find one you like online). Once you've both written your answers, sit down together and talk about your responses.
1) Talk about your BDSM desires and limits. What are your hard limits (things you'll never ever do), and soft limits? (things you might be open to but are unsure of at the moment).
2) Talk about titles. What will you call each other when you play? (master, mistress, etc.).
3) Be open about your medical conditions and make a safety plan. What if your partner ties you up and then collapses due to a heart condition??
a) Talk about what's going on in your brain and body. What's your mood like? Are you getting over an illness or health problem?
b) Talk about your HIV/STI status, or better yet, get tested together. You may come into contact with body fluids, especially with blood play and impact play (more later).
4) Talk about your terms. What do terms like "flogging" mean for both of you? What does it mean to "whip" someone?
5) Talk about making the switch. Are you going to switch roles in a scene? Switching can happen in a scene, or in a person's lifetime.
6) Talk about safe sex. What does safer-sex look like to both of you? Get on the same page about your terms. What types of barriers will you both agree to use? Will you choose to get tested together? The person with the strictest rules about safer-sex wins (for example, if one partner requires use of a condom or dam, you should use a condom or dam!). Don't compromise on your safety. You won't enjoy the experience if you aren't on the same page about safety.
WRAP IT UP
ÿ Condoms, dams, and lube are important. Keep them on hand, even if you don't plan to make sex part of your BDSM scene or aftercare.
PrEP & PEP
ÿ HIV-negative guys who are at high risk for getting HIV can take PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis). PrEP involves taking a pill once a day, every day, to help prevent getting HIV. Guys who take PrEP should also use condoms & get tested often for HIV and other STDs.
Talk to your medical provider if you are interested in PrEP. For more info about PrEP, go to: http://www.kingcounty.gov/healthservices/health/communicable/hiv.aspx and click on PrEP Q & A: Using HIV Drugs to Prevent HIV Infection.
ÿ PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) can also lower your risk of getting HIV. PEP is the use of an HIV drug after a possible exposure to HIV. If you feel you might have been exposed to HIV, visit your medical provider ASAP. PEP needs to be started within a couple days of being exposed to HIV. For more info on PEP, go to http://www.kingcounty.gov/healthservices/health/communicable/hiv/links/pep.aspx
Negotiations should take place in a neutral environment. Be equals when you negotiate. Do not take on your roles until you're done with negotiation (such as top or bottom).
You will also want to negotiate your aftercare. Aftercare is a time to cool-down and reconnect after a scene. It can take many forms. For some couples it means sex, for others it could be cuddling or eating a piece of chocolate. Some scenes can make people very emotional, so take care of each other and respond to each others' needs.
Sometimes aftercare continues to the next day. Maybe it means the top will call the bottom to check-in. E-mailing and meeting up in person are other ways to check-in.
Stay tuned for Part 3 next week!
Dr. Dick
