Never been kissed, never been poked.
Dear Dr. Dick,
Lately I've been experimenting with dudes for the first time in my life. I've topped and given head---but I still haven't been poked yet. I pretend I don't like it or don't want to do it. I'm honestly freaked out. Isn't it going to hurt?!? I'm not sure I want to know...
Scared of Booty
Dear SOB,
It's common to hear about the pain felt by women during their "first time," but too often we don't acknowledge that for men, getting poked can also take some getting used to. We can't expect men to be smooth-operating anal sex-machines from the get-go!! First things first, it's absolutely normal and very common to feel nervous about anal sex.
Remember this: if you don't want to be the receiving partner, you don't have to. It's your body and your sex life, and you don't have to do anything you don't want to do! If you do decide you want to try being on the receiving end, here are my recommendations:
KNOW YOUR BOOTY
What do you know about your hole and your gut? Your hole (anus) is 2 to 3 centimeters long. Above that, the rectum is about 12 centimeters long, and has a thick layer of muscle. The rectum has two muscular rings--the external and internal anal sphincters.
Closest to your hole is the external anal sphincter. You control movement of this sphincter (such as when you poop). A little higher up is the internal anal sphincter. Movement of this sphincter is involuntary, meaning you don't control it. When you put something in your butt like a penis or a dildo, it passes by both the external and anal sphincters.
Our butts do not make their own lubrication. Friction happens with anal sex--especially if it's rougher, marathon crystal sex. Keep in mind that you'll need good quality lube to reduce friction (see the lube section at the end of this column).
The lining of the anus and rectum are delicate. Micro tears can happen easily, which increase your chances of getting or spreading HIV or another STI. Unless you're in a monogamous relationship--where 1) you and your partner only have sex with each other, 2) get tested regularly, 3) and are sure you don't have HIV or other STIs--use condoms for anal sex!
WARM UP
Start by putting in a finger, not a dick. This can be your finger or a partner's. Use some lube and be gentle. Remember to relax and breathe. When you're ready for a penis or a dildo, go slow. Stop and relax after you pass the first anal sphincter. Insert the rest of the way when you're ready.
If you do use a dildo, make sure it has a base or a retrieval handle. No one wants to report to the emergency room with an object lost in their butt.
You might also want to warm-up by trying a butt plug; this is an old porn star trick. Plugs are used to keep the ass muscles open and relaxed---ready for whatever comes their way.
*Keep sex toys to yourself, and make sure to clean them after each use, according to manufacturer instructions.
JUST SAY NO TO NUMBING CREAMS
Imagine getting a tear in your hole and not being able to feel it! You won't get the pain signal from your body if something is wrong (like a tear or a colon rupture). A numbing cream will also numb the good feelings. You don't want to miss out on any fab sensations that might arise.
COMMUNICATE
Your partner should respect you, and be willing to go at your own pace. Talk about sex beforehand. You might try saying "Anal sex is new for me. Let's go slow."
USE A BARRIER
Use a condom for anal sex. The lining of the anus is thin and delicate, and a condom is your best protection from sores, fluids, hemorrhoids, and other things that might be in the behind.
Ever had a naughty nurse fantasy? Latex gloves can be used for fingering - especially if your partner has any cuts or sores on their finger.
If rimming is part of your "sexcapades," give a damn, use a dam. Dams come in many tasty flavors, and you'll still get the heat and warmth of touch. Try using some flavored lube to make things more interesting.
Anal Sex and Crystal
Crystal sex can be long and rough. If you're using crystal, prepare for sex ahead of time. Do you have condoms and lube? Change condoms when you stop to rest or switch positions, and add more lube from time to time.
Poppers
Poppers are a liquid form of amyl or butyl nitrite. Some guys inhale the fumes during sex to relax their ass muscles, prolong sex, or have screaming orgasms. If you do plan to use poppers, I don't recommend it being the first time you bottom. Prolonged popper-sex wouldn't be good for someone who isn't used to having a dick in their butt. Poppers open your blood vessels, sending more blood to areas like your nether regions. This raises the risk of HIV and STIs getting in your bloodstream. Check out NEON's brochure Crystal, Poppers & Boner-Uppers for more info.
USE LUBE
Some guys use lube because they feel like it decreases friction and trauma to the skin. Not all lubes are safe though! Some lubes hurt the lining of the rectum and may increase HIV replication (the virus making copies of itself).
Here's some more info:
- Stay away from lubricants that contain nonoxynol-9. Nonoxynol-9 is a spermicide that can hurt the delicate lining of the rectum and vagina, increasing the risk of HIV and other STIs.
- Some evidence suggests that lubricants containing an ingredient called polyquaternium-15 may INCREASE HIV replication. Some of the lubricants that contain polyquaternium-15 are in the Astroglide family of lubes: Astroglide Liquid, Astroglide Warming Liquid, Astroglide Glycerin and Paraben-Free Liquid, and Astroglide Silken Secret. It's probably best to avoid these.
- Steer clear of lubes that contain sugars. Lubes with sugar can increase the chance of an infection in the rectum and vagina.
- Some evidence suggests that certain lubricants can damage the cells in the lining of the rectum. These lubricants include: Astroglide, Elbow Grease, Gynol II, KY Jelly, Replens, and Boy Butter.
- Water-based lube is probably the safest option.
GET TESTED
Guys who have sex with guys should get tested every 2-3 months. Make this a regular part of your health routine. Your doctor may have different recommendations for how often you should test---but the bottom line is that you need to test!
I hope this helps!
Dr. Dick