Emotions in the Shadow of Drugs by C.S.
Getting high is like a big catch-22. It softens the hard edges only to make more.
It seems like drugs do help with emotions. They calm you down, take away pain, create a sense of happiness. But emotions will always catch up with you.
I had a fucked up childhood. By the time I was 13, drugs helped me forget events and numb the pain. At first, getting high didn't necessarily make me feel good or happy all the time. No, it was just great to feel nothing.
When I turned 18, I used the needle for the first time. That's when my life became secret. The first night I went to work after my first hit I had this tiny little red mark. I thought for sure everyone would see it so I kept my arm bent all night. I soon realized how separate you become from other people when you start shooting. Even from the people you used to do drugs with. The needle separates you.
Crystal and cocaine lasted about 7 years. They were intense enough to make all my other stress OK. They were there like a comforting friend. I dealt with problems by getting high. But then reality got pretty fucked up. Holding a job was not happening. Bills were not getting paid, and getting high always came first.
So I turned 25, left the country and stayed clean for 7 years. But my life turned upside down in another way. Being clean sucked big time. Everything about who I was changed. I never had so many feelings in my life. Every horrible childhood memory and stuffed feeling came back. This is when I realized I didn't know how to feel anything but numb, angry or depressed. I did a lot of soul searching, worked on who I was, tried emotions without drugs. This was definitely the hardest thing I ever did.
I healed a lot, but never felt happy. I faked being happy for a year. And then I moved to Seattle and found my real happy drug, heroin. I started to feel good again after all those years of heartache. And off I went, with crystal and cocaine close behind again.
But by now, I had learned a lot from life. This time I tried being a "responsible" user. I kept jobs, paid for my high, and didn't blow off as much life to get high. That's not to say drugs were just recreational. No way! Because in no time, I was high every day, still using to feel better or make shit go away. I wasn't dealing with all that life was dishing out, but I was still learning and there was progress.
Drugs didn't make me completely leave reality behind. For me it was part-time enough for both to exist. But in the end, emotions come whether you want to feel them or not. It's not a choice to "start feeling now." It just happens.
So here I am today in my late-thirties with 6 months clean. Now I'm learning to live without drugs, not just taking the drugs away. There is a difference. Over my drug career, I've tried controlling my emotions in so many ways. Using, using more, not using, using with limits. But I see now that I can't get away from feeling. It's gonna happen no matter what I do. It's hard and feels weird sometimes, but I know I have to keep trying.
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